During 2012 I flew 97,000 miles on one particular airline and countless other miles on some random airlines (all domestic). Here's what I've learned.
Dress well - Mamacita always told me to dress well. [She also taught me to wear clean underwear in case I was in an accident.] No matter what, it is better to be overdressed rather than under-dressed. Unacceptable clothing for both men and women include pajamas, sweats, yoga pants and anything that reads "PINK" across the hind end. [I'll talk about this "PINK" thing another time.]
Two carry ons only - Every airline will tell you this is an FAA regulation. Some airline staff will tackle you at the gate if you try to board with more than two bags. That lovely handbag of which you're so proud is one carry one. Your laptop or duffel bag is another carry on. Your roller bag is a third. Consolidate before you get to the gate. [Follow the rules, people. I'm rather tired of hearing the harping on this subject.]
- Do not carry the pillow with which you sleep every night. If you are over the age of two, this looks really, really stupid. And, just so you know, it's another carry on item.
- If you carry a knapsack (also known as a back pack) carry it in one hand while you carry your roller bag in the other hand. When you wear your knapsack on your back down the isle to your seat, every time you move you bang someone in the head with it. Stop it!
- If you cannot lift your roller bag over your head, check it at the gate. You are responsible for loading and unloading what you put in the overhead bins. Be responsible for yourself for once in your life.
Wait your turn - Every airline has a system for boarding. It may be
zones or class. Pay attention to that zone. If you are in zone three
and they are now boarding first class, sit down. If you cannot wait in a
chair, at least stand away from the boarding gate. You'll just get in
the way and you won't get on the plane any sooner.
Bathe - Yes. Soap and water are your friends. And they are also friends to the 150 people with whom you'll spend the next 2.5 hours. [See also how the
bath in Beautiful doesn't work.]
Do not conduct personal grooming - Unacceptable grooming includes clipping and or filing your nails, painting your nails, flossing your teeth and trimming nose hairs. Honest to Pete, people! Can you keep some things private?
Sit down, be quiet and don't touch anything - You learned it in grade school. Now live the dream.
Be polite - This can also be stated as be courteous or considerate or act as if you have manners.
Your mother is not on this flight and there is no excuse for poor behavior.
By the way. If you are not in first class you will not get a cool drink, unless you buy it. You will not get a good dinner. [You can bring some smelly rot-gut stuff you bought at the airport on the plane with you. That's a plus for the people traveling with you!] And a soft pillow and blanket are only available in first class. Unless, of course, you brought your pillow with you.
